Shonda Rhimes got candid about losing 150 pounds and how it has changed her life in her latest Shondaland newsletter.

The Scandal and Grey’s Anatomy creator, 47, said that she started slimming down for health reasons. “I did not do it because I thought I would become beautiful like in the movies. I did it because I could not walk up a short flight up stairs without stopping to take a break and wiping sweat from my brow,” she wrote. “Losing weight is not a topic I like discussing. Why? Because there is nothing fun or interesting or great about it. I hated losing weight. I hated every single second of it. And I hate every single second of maintaining my weight, too.”

The showrunner said that the only thing worse than actually shedding the pounds was the extra attention. “Women I barely knew gushed. And I mean GUSHED. Like I was holding-a-new-baby-gushed. Only there was no new baby. It was just me. In a dress. With makeup on and my hair all did, yes. But … still the same me,” she wrote. “And men? They spoke to me. THEY SPOKE TO ME. Like stood still and had long conversations with me about things. It was disconcerting.”

She continued, “But even more disconcerting was that all these people suddenly felt completely comfortable talking to me about my body. Telling me I looked ‘pretty’ or that they were ‘proud of me’ or that ‘wow, you are so hot now’ or ‘you look amazing!’”

Rhimes was appalled that people treated her differently after her weight loss. “After I lost weight, I discovered that people found me valuable. Worthy of conversation. A person one could look at. A person one could compliment. A person one could admire. A person,” she shared. “You heard me. I discovered that NOW people saw me as a PERSON. What the hell did they see me as before? How invisible was I to them then? How hard did they work to avoid me? What words did they use to describe me? What value did they put on my presence at a party, a lunch, a discussion?”

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The acclaimed producer said that she’ll always be the same person inside, adding that “being thinner doesn’t make you a different person. It just makes you thinner.”

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